What’s universally applicable isn’t a specific rule it’s the idea of giving consideration to people’s vulnerabilities.Īmong tight-knit friends, things can get messy even when only two are involved at a time. There could well be unresolved feelings between the two (witness Rachel and David’s on-again-off-again relationship), or a friend could feel, awkwardly, that the ex is comparing them with you, especially when you’re all having brunch together. And there are plausible rationales for exercising caution. When it comes to dating someone your friend has recently broken up with, the norm was always a yellow light, not a red light. Instead of universalizing norms like these, try to understand their rationale. I doubt “bro code” logic will help you sort out these arrangements.
Even if there were established rules about whether it’s OK to date a friend’s ex-lover or an ex-lover’s friend, it wouldn’t be obvious how to apply them when your ex-lover’s friend was also your friend’s ex-lover.
In love and sex, as in other matters, the patterns that work for the many may not work for the few. Is this correct? And if so, can this concept be universalized? Do Rachel and Dave get “priority,” in that they should be together and I should not pursue either, because they dated first? What do we owe to our romantic partners and friends when the situations are complex? - Name Withheld Monogamy-centered media suggests that one should avoid dating a friend’s ex-partner. Throughout the past year, as multiple complex situations arose, we have all wished for a model of behavior. Strong emotions, love and pain have arisen on all sides. At times, we have all behaved badly, sleeping together behind the other’s back, knowing the knowledge would hurt the other. There have also been relationships with others outside this group. Since then, Rachel and Dave have dated on and off, Rachel and I were casually together and Dave and I have been close friends who sleep together occasionally. The throuple ended fairly quickly, with no one being at fault the other two continued to date but broke up not too long afterward. Nearly a year ago, I began dating two friends - I’ll call them Rachel and Dave - who were already themselves in a relationship.
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